The waiting room at the therapist’s office was filled with beige tones: beige walls, beige magazines, beige silence. On the coffee table, there was a stack of flyers about boosting confidence and “unlocking your true self,” trimmed with a pale, washed-out blue border. Seated beside me was a young woman nervously twisting the sleeve of her grey sweater. Her nails were bitten short, and her phone case matched the color of the walls—dull and unremarkable.
It soon became clear how many people walked into that room wrapped in similar muted shades: the shy teenager in an oversized black hoodie, the stressed manager in his faded navy shirt, and the woman hiding beneath a soft oatmeal cardigan.
Color communicates more about us than we often realize.
The Three Colors Psychologists Frequently See
Psychologists who study the connection between color and self-perception often focus on a trio of colors: dull grey, flat black, and washed-out blue. These aren’t the bold, stylish versions of these colors seen in fashion ads, but rather the tired, “please-don’t-notice-me” shades that seem to blend in with their surroundings. These colors frequently appear in the clothing, objects, and even bedrooms of people who describe themselves as “not enough,” “too much,” or “invisible.”
These colors don’t demand attention. They don’t shout. Instead, they allow other, bolder colors to take the spotlight.
One therapist I spoke with described a client who came to every session dressed almost identically: faded black jeans, an old grey hoodie, and light blue sneakers that were slowly turning white at the edges. She worked in marketing but described herself as “not creative, not interesting, just background staff.”
When the therapist asked her to share photos of her bedroom and workspace, the same dull color palette appeared: a grey duvet, pale blue sheets, a black desk chair. There was not a single bright object in sight, except for a yellow sticky note lost on the wall. She laughed nervously when she noticed the pattern. “Wow,” she said, “even my room is scared of standing out.”
Psychologists don’t claim that grey, black, or blue are automatically linked to low self-esteem. That would be too simplistic and incorrect. Context is essential. A sleek black dress at a party doesn’t carry the same message as a black hoodie worn every day because it feels like protection.
What psychologists notice is the repetition. When someone consistently chooses muted tones, avoids contrast, and wears the same “safe” outfit day in and day out, it often reflects a deeper message: stay small, avoid attention, blend in. **Color becomes a silent compromise** between wanting to exist and fearing being seen.
How to Shift Your Colors Without Losing Yourself
Psychologists who specialize in color therapy don’t suggest throwing out all your dark clothes and replacing them with neon shades. Such drastic changes would feel inauthentic and even overwhelming. Instead, they recommend gradual shifts—small adjustments that feel almost comfortable.
Start by introducing tiny elements of color. Perhaps a slightly deeper blue scarf. A pair of socks with a small red stripe. A phone case that’s not beige or black, but a soft green or warm terracotta. The goal isn’t to transform yourself overnight; it’s about teaching your nervous system that a little visibility can be safe.
Many people with low self-esteem think they must “earn” brighter colors, as if joy is a reward that must be earned. They wait for the perfect moment, postponing the red dress “until I lose five kilos” or keeping the vibrant shirt tucked away for some idealized future.
Let’s be honest: no one sticks to these lofty standards every single day. Most of us revert to the comfortable hoodie, the familiar jeans, the same old sneakers. That’s perfectly fine. The problem arises when every choice is made to diminish your presence. Colors can still be soft, understated, and discreet—and yet, they can say, *I am here. I exist. I deserve some attention.*
Psychologist and color researcher Angela Wright once said, “Color is not just decoration. It’s information your brain uses to decide how safe you are allowed to feel.” That sentence hits differently when you stare at your wardrobe on a Monday morning.
Breaking Down Color and Its Emotional Meaning
- Grey – Often chosen by those who want to fade into the background, avoid conflict, or prevent themselves from “bothering” others with strong opinions or a bold presence.
- Flat Black – A safe refuge for individuals who fear judgment about their body or tastes. It allows them to stay “correct” without drawing unwanted attention or risking ridicule.
- Washed-Out Blue – Common among those who feel exhausted, emotionally overwhelmed, or stuck in caretaking roles. It signals a longing for calm, yet also a tendency to slip into emotional numbness.
When Your Colors Begin to Tell a New Story
Once you start to make the connection between color and self-esteem, you’ll start noticing it everywhere. You’ll see it in friends who switch from oversized black sweaters to soft burgundy after leaving toxic relationships. You’ll notice it in colleagues who add a bold green plant or a mustard cushion to their workspace, suddenly speaking up more in meetings.
Sometimes, the smallest splash of color isn’t about style—it’s about permission. Permission to occupy more space. Permission to say, “I like this” without apology.
Key Takeaways
- Noticing Your Palette: Track how often grey, flat black, and washed-out blue appear in your clothing and surroundings. It offers a gentle reflection of how much you allow yourself to be seen.
- Making Micro-Shifts: Introduce small, manageable pops of warmer or richer colors. This builds confidence without feeling forced or inauthentic.
- Linking Color to Emotion: Connect specific colors to your moods or beliefs about yourself. This allows you to consciously use color rather than unconsciously repeat old patterns.
