At a certain point in adulthood, meeting new people starts to feel unexpectedly exhausting. What once happened naturally now seems to require planning, energy, and intention.
Many adults feel like they somehow missed the lesson on making friends once real life took over. Work, bills, relationships, children, and long commutes replace the open stretches of time when friendships formed effortlessly. Researchers have attempted to identify the age when creating strong new bonds stops feeling instinctive and begins to feel genuinely difficult.
When making friends starts to feel harder
A widely cited 2019 survey by research firm OnePoll highlights a clear turning point in adult social life. According to participants, building deep and lasting friendships becomes noticeably more challenging in the early twenties, with a sharp shift around age 23.
From that age onward, nearly half of respondents reported that forming meaningful new friendships felt “difficult.” While this may seem surprising given the social environments many young adults still inhabit, the findings suggest a transition from spontaneous socializing to schedules filled with structure and obligation.
Why age 23 marks a social shift
Psychologists link this change to a cluster of life transitions that typically occur in the early to mid-twenties. These changes don’t reduce the desire for connection, but they complicate time, energy, and emotional availability.
- First full-time jobs: Long hours, commuting, and performance pressure limit free time.
- Career priorities: Networking replaces casual socializing, making interactions feel more purposeful.
- Romantic relationships: Partners often become the primary emotional focus.
- Relocations: Graduates disperse, dissolving familiar social circles.
- Early parenthood: For some, childcare and fatigue dominate evenings and weekends.
Psychologist and lecturer Evie Rosset explains that students benefit from an environment rich in unplanned encounters. Shared campuses, classes, and free time allow friendships to develop organically. Once adult routines take hold, those unstructured moments disappear, replaced by calendars filled with responsibilities where friendship often slips to the bottom of the list.
The hidden time investment behind close friendships
Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships attempts to measure the time required to form meaningful bonds. The findings suggest that about 90 hours of shared time are needed to move from acquaintance to friend, with substantially more time required to become close.
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In adult life, accumulating those 90 hours can take months or even years. Unlike school or university, repeated contact now requires planning through coffee dates, calls, shared activities, or weekend plans. This effort can feel awkward or forced, especially when people assume others already have full social lives.
What sets adult friendships apart
Psychologists emphasize that friendship differs from family or romantic relationships because it carries no formal obligation. Clinical psychologist Boris Charpentier describes it as one of the few spaces where authenticity is not just allowed, but expected.
That freedom makes friendships uniquely restorative. Being accepted without conditions builds trust and emotional safety. Clinicians highlight three elements that sustain adult friendships:
- Authenticity: Expressing genuine thoughts and emotions.
- Kind communication: Honesty paired with consideration.
- Active listening: Fully engaging rather than waiting to respond.
Developing these bonds requires repeated contact and emotional openness, which many adults find challenging when already drained by work and family responsibilities.
Why friendships matter for wellbeing
Despite the effort involved, social connections consistently rank among the strongest predictors of long-term health and happiness. The longest-running happiness study conducted by Harvard University over more than 80 years shows that people with warm, reliable relationships tend to live longer and cope better with stress.
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- Mental health: Lower risk of anxiety and depression, greater resilience.
- Physical health: Better immune response and reduced mortality risk.
- Life satisfaction: Higher happiness and sense of purpose.
- Stress management: Improved ability to handle financial, work, and family pressures.
This evidence suggests that treating friendship as optional free time contradicts what research shows. Social bonds function more like essential health habits, alongside sleep, movement, and nutrition.
Why many adults feel socially stuck
People in their late twenties and thirties often describe a sense of social stagnation. Existing circles may feel shallow, while new connections emerge only through work or children’s activities. Common barriers include:
- Fear of judgment: Worrying about appearing awkward or needy.
- Past disappointments: Previous losses making people cautious.
- Perfectionism: Waiting for ideal matches instead of accepting imperfect ones.
- Time pressure: Limited free time reducing experimentation.
These psychological hurdles combine with structural challenges like irregular work hours, frequent moves, and urban living conditions.
Ways to build friendships after the early twenties
While age 23 often marks a difficult transition, it does not close the door on close relationships. Friendship simply becomes intentional rather than accidental. Helpful approaches include:
- Deepening existing weak ties such as colleagues or neighbors.
- Committing to recurring social activities each week.
- Being proactive about suggesting specific plans.
- Accepting that friendships often grow slowly and unevenly.
Psychologists describe this as social fitness: relationships strengthen through small, consistent efforts rather than rare grand gestures.
Key concepts in adult relationships
Two commonly used terms in social research help clarify adult friendship dynamics:
- Social capital: The network of people available for support and advice.
- Loneliness: Feeling a lack of depth or reliability in relationships, not just being alone.
A young professional who has relocated multiple times may appear busy yet feel deeply lonely due to low social capital. In contrast, someone with fewer contacts but strong mutual trust experiences far greater emotional security.
The cost of neglecting friendship and the power of small steps
Public health researchers now recognize chronic loneliness as a risk factor comparable to smoking. Long-term isolation is associated with higher blood pressure, sleep disruption, and increased mortality risk.
The encouraging finding is that even modest actions can change the trajectory. Small, regular social efforts can gradually rebuild connection beyond the early-twenties slump. While friendship may not be easy with age, the evidence shows that the investment pays dividends far beyond a full contact list.
