Recent psychological research suggests that the reasons some people stay single are more complex than looks, luck, or even location. Two key traits, along with a few other subtle behavioral patterns, significantly impact who finds lasting relationships and who remains single despite their desires.
The Rise of Involuntary Singlehood
Involuntary singlehood is on the rise, even in an age where dating apps and online social lives are becoming the norm. While many people claim to enjoy their single status, a large number still long for the stability of a committed relationship.
In a study of 1,432 adults, researchers Menelaos Apostolou and Elli Michaelidou explored the reasons behind this phenomenon. Their research, published in Personality and Individual Differences, analyzed 17 potential factors contributing to unwanted singlehood.
The study looked at various factors such as personality traits (e.g., extraversion, emotional stability), social skills (e.g., flirting, self-esteem), perceived attractiveness, and partner selectivity. Yet, two particular traits stood out as particularly influential: warmth toward others and life organization. These traits—kindness and reliability—seem to help individuals move out of the dating pool more quickly, often into stable, long-term relationships.
The First Key Trait: Agreeableness
Psychologists use the term “agreeableness” to describe how warm, cooperative, and considerate someone is. Highly agreeable people tend to be empathetic, willing to compromise, and considerate of their partner’s needs. In the study, women who scored high on agreeableness were more likely to be in a relationship or married than those who scored low, even after controlling for other factors.
What Agreeableness Looks Like in Real Life
- Listening attentively during disagreements, without immediately defending yourself
- Seeking to understand your partner’s perspective, even when you don’t agree
- Regularly showing appreciation through small gestures
- Offering criticism respectfully, focused on the issue, not the person
Agreeable people aren’t passive; they can say no, set boundaries, and express frustration. The difference lies in their tone and intent: they prioritize protecting the relationship over “winning” an argument.
The Second Key Trait: Conscientiousness
Conscientiousness—the ability to be organized, dependable, and consistent—is the second major trait linked to relationship success. Conscientious people follow through on commitments, manage responsibilities efficiently, and think carefully before acting. In the study, women who scored high in conscientiousness were also more likely to be in a couple than those who scored lower. Partners often view them as stable, trustworthy, and reliable, which helps minimize conflict and facilitates long-term planning.
How Conscientiousness Benefits Relationships
- Responding to calls and messages promptly
- Arriving on time for dates and shared events
- Remembering important dates like birthdays and medical appointments
- Following through on promises, both big and small
- Planning for future decisions, such as finances, housing, and family matters
Though these traits aren’t inherently romantic, they play a significant role in determining whether a relationship endures past the initial stages of attraction.
When Emotions Get in the Way: The Role of Neuroticism
Neuroticism, the tendency to experience negative emotions like anxiety, insecurity, and worry, was another key factor highlighted in the study, especially among men. Men who were involuntarily single often scored high in neuroticism, which, combined with low self-esteem, created anxiety around approaching potential partners. This emotional turbulence can lead to self-sabotage or withdrawal, preventing the formation of lasting connections.
For women, neuroticism manifested differently. Women who scored high in neuroticism were more likely to be critical and selective, often rejecting potential partners prematurely, before giving relationships a real chance to develop.
The Hidden Skill: Flirting
Social skills also play a significant role in relationship formation, and one skill stood out in the research: flirting. People who considered themselves poor at flirting were more likely to remain single, whereas those comfortable with signaling interest, reading cues, and creating a playful atmosphere found partners more easily.
Flirting bridges attraction and commitment. Without it, many opportunities never develop into full relationships.
What Effective Flirting Looks Like
- Using light, situational humor rather than sarcasm or heavy jokes
- Maintaining open body language and making frequent, friendly eye contact
- Offering genuine compliments focused on behavior or style, not just looks
- Asking follow-up questions to show genuine interest
- Respecting signals of discomfort or disinterest
The good news: flirting is a skill that can be developed. Starting with low-pressure situations like casual conversations with baristas or colleagues can help build confidence over time.
Additional Factors: Standards, Effort, and Self-Perception
The research also identified additional patterns that influence relationship outcomes. Men who made more effort to meet potential partners—whether through dating apps, social events, or shared hobbies—were more likely to succeed. Women, on the other hand, were more influenced by how selective they were when it came to choosing partners.
| Factor | Typical effect on dating |
|---|---|
| High selectivity (especially in women) | Reduces the pool of acceptable partners, sometimes to an unrealistic level |
| Low search effort (especially in men) | Leads to fewer dates and missed chances to form connections |
| Poor self‑esteem | Encourages self‑sabotage and withdrawal at key moments |
| Perceived low attractiveness | Can be a psychological barrier even when others do find the person attractive |
Turning Research into Action: What You Can Change
While personality traits tend to be stable, behavior is more flexible. Someone who struggles with anxiety, for example, can still learn ways to manage it in dating situations, like using breathing techniques or practicing conversation starters. Similarly, traits like agreeableness and conscientiousness can be strengthened with everyday actions. Keeping small promises, practicing active listening, and planning ahead are all simple ways to signal reliability and warmth to potential partners.
Attraction often starts with sparks, but long-term commitment is built on a foundation of dependable, reliable actions.
A Practical Dating Scenario
Imagine two people on a first date, both reasonably attractive and seeking a long-term relationship. One shows up late without warning, frequently checks their phone, and dominates the conversation. The other arrives on time, maintains eye contact, asks thoughtful follow-up questions, and conveys interest with relaxed humor. Though the differences might not seem dramatic at first glance, the second person is demonstrating agreeableness and conscientiousness in real-time, which increases the likelihood of receiving a second chance.
Related Concepts: Attachment Style and Social Context
Neuroticism often interacts with attachment style, a concept that describes how people relate to others in close relationships. Those with anxious attachment, often stemming from inconsistent care in childhood, may exhibit clinginess or fear of abandonment. This can exacerbate the effects of neuroticism, making it harder to form secure relationships.
There’s also a social risk in ignoring these insights. Continually operating with low self-esteem, harsh selectivity, or poor flirting skills can extend involuntary singlehood for years, often accompanied by feelings of loneliness. On the other hand, working on core traits like kindness and reliability can improve not just romantic prospects but friendships and professional relationships as well.
While there is no single “checklist” for finding love, the data suggests that those who combine emotional warmth with everyday dependability—and can show interest without overwhelming anxiety—are more likely to attract and maintain meaningful, long-term relationships.
