Often, it’s not cruelty – it’s a blind spot in their emotional radar.
Psychologists call that blind spot low emotional intelligence, or low EQ. You can usually sense it in conversation long before any big conflict appears. The most telling clue isn’t body language or facial expression. It’s the exact words someone reaches for when emotions are running high.
What emotional intelligence really means
Emotional intelligence is the ability to notice, understand and manage emotions – your own and other people’s. It sits somewhere between empathy, self-awareness and social skills.
A solar belt around the Moon by 2035?
Someone with high EQ notices tension in a room and adjusts how they talk. A person with low EQ keeps charging ahead with the same tone, then feels confused when others pull away.
Africa splitting apart isn’t sudden, but one visible change is already happening beneath the surface
Low EQ isn’t about being a “bad person”. It’s about being emotionally tone-deaf at key moments.
Researchers link higher emotional intelligence to better relationships, stronger leadership and lower stress. Low EQ, on the other hand, often leads to misunderstandings, resentment and a reputation for being “difficult”.
1. “I’m just being honest”
On paper, honesty sounds virtuous. In real life, this phrase is often used as a shield for unnecessary criticism.
Someone with low EQ might say:
- “You look really tired today, I’m just being honest.”
- “That presentation was boring, I’m just being honest.”
The message underneath is: my need to say what I think matters more than your feelings.
A person with higher EQ still tells the truth, but wraps it in tact. They ask themselves, “Does this help the other person, or am I just dumping my opinion?”
When “honesty” consistently hurts more than it helps, you’re not looking at truth-telling – you’re looking at low emotional awareness.
2. “Stop being so sensitive”
This phrase almost always surfaces when someone finally sets a boundary or shows hurt. Instead of listening, the low-EQ response is to dismiss those feelings as an overreaction.
It sends several unhelpful messages at once:
- Your emotions are wrong.
- My behaviour is not open for discussion.
- The conversation is over.
This shuts down dialogue and leaves the other person feeling small or ashamed. Over time, people simply stop sharing how they feel with the person who keeps using this line.
Someone with stronger emotional skills might say, “I didn’t mean it that way – can you tell me how it came across?” The words shift from blame to curiosity.
3. “That’s your problem, not mine”
On the surface, this can sound like healthy boundaries. In reality, it often reveals a refusal to engage with another person’s emotional reality.
Think of a partner who says this when you raise a concern. Or a manager who shrugs off a team member’s burnout with that line. The implicit meaning is: I live in my bubble, you live in yours.
Low EQ often shows up as radical emotional self-interest: if it doesn’t hurt me, it doesn’t exist.
High-EQ people don’t automatically take on every problem as their own, but they recognise when their actions affect others. Rather than, “That’s your problem,” they might say, “I see this is hard for you – what can we realistically do about it?”
4. “I don’t do feelings”
This phrase can sound almost proud, as if emotions are a childish indulgence. People with low EQ sometimes frame themselves as the “rational one” who stays above messy human reactions.
In practice, this often means they:
- avoid serious conversations about relationships
- change the subject when someone is upset
- mock others for crying or expressing fear
Underneath the cool exterior is usually discomfort or even fear. Feelings are unpredictable, so shutting them down feels safer than risking vulnerability.
Psychologists note that emotional avoidance doesn’t make feelings disappear. It just pushes them underground, where they can surface later as anger, withdrawal or passive-aggressive comments.
5. “I don’t see what the big deal is”
Used once in a while, this sentence can be innocent. Used repeatedly, it suggests a chronic failure to grasp other people’s emotional stakes.
Typical situations include:
- Minimising a friend’s breakup: “You were only together a year, what’s the big deal?”
- Downplaying workplace stress: “So you’re working late. Not a big deal.”
- Brushing off cultural or personal boundaries: “It’s just a joke. Why is this such a big deal for you?”
When someone constantly shrinks your “big deal” into “no big deal”, they’re telling you their perspective is the only one that counts.
People with higher EQ might not fully understand your reaction, but they accept that it matters to you. They might say, “I didn’t realise this was so important – talk me through it.”
Fast signals of low EQ in everyday talk
These phrases don’t automatically label someone as emotionally unintelligent. Context matters. Tone matters. Frequency matters even more.
Still, certain patterns can raise red flags when they show up again and again.
| Phrase | Hidden message | EQ risk |
|---|---|---|
| “I’m just being honest” | Your feelings are collateral damage | Lack of empathy and tact |
| “Stop being so sensitive” | Your emotions are invalid | Dismissal of emotional reality |
| “That’s your problem, not mine” | I won’t share emotional responsibility | Low relational awareness |
| “I don’t do feelings” | Emotions are weakness | Emotional avoidance |
| “I don’t see what the big deal is” | Only my scale of importance counts | Chronic minimising |
Why people with low EQ often don’t notice
Most people who use these phrases aren’t trying to be hurtful. Many grew up in families where emotions were ignored, mocked or punished. Others work in environments where speed and results matter more than relationships.
Over time, they may develop a kind of emotional blind spot. They don’t see the wince on someone’s face, or they interpret it as oversensitivity rather than feedback.
From the inside, low EQ can feel like “everyone else is too emotional” rather than “I’m missing something”.
This gap in perception is why arguments with low-EQ individuals so often circle around who is “right” rather than what each person is feeling.
If you recognise yourself in these phrases
Feeling slightly uncomfortable is not a bad sign. It suggests your self-awareness is already active, which is one pillar of emotional intelligence.
A practical approach is to pick one phrase you use often and replace it for a month. For example:
- Swap “I’m just being honest” for “Can I be candid about something?” and wait for consent.
- Swap “Stop being so sensitive” for “I see this really affected you – help me understand why.”
- Swap “I don’t see what the big deal is” for “I don’t fully get it yet – what makes this such a big deal for you?”
This kind of linguistic shift trains the brain to pause, consider impact and adjust – the basic muscles of EQ.
Reading these signals in relationships and at work
Spotting low EQ early can save you from a lot of quiet frustration. In dating, frequent use of these phrases can predict future stonewalling during conflict. In friendships, they can signal who will be there in a crisis and who will go missing.
At work, repeated emotional blind spots in a manager tend to show up as high turnover, tense teams and “mysterious” communication breakdowns. Many companies now run EQ training for leaders because technical skill alone rarely fixes that pattern.
One useful tactic is the “small test”. Share a mild frustration or small piece of vulnerability and notice the response. If what comes back is one of these five phrases, you have data about how deeper issues might be handled later.
