Many people closely evaluate romantic relationships while giving friendships a free pass, even though a toxic friendship can damage confidence, time, and mental health just as deeply. Therapists often suggest a simple check: after spending time together, do you feel lighter or heavier?
When a Friendship No Longer Feels Safe
Strong friendships usually offer comfort, humour, and emotional safety. You can share bad news without overthinking and celebrate good news without shrinking it to protect someone else’s feelings.
Over time, however, dynamics can change. Life transitions, jealousy, or emotional dependency may creep in. The friendship may look unchanged on the surface, but internally it feels strained.
A key warning sign is walking away from most interactions feeling smaller rather than supported.
Psychotherapists, including Bobbi Banks, advise looking at long-term patterns instead of isolated conflicts. Everyone has off days, but an unhealthy friendship is one where the low points dominate and the positive moments feel like temporary relief rather than the norm.
Six Signs a Friendship May Be Unhealthy
1. You Carry All the Effort
If a friendship exists only because you constantly initiate contact, plan meetups, check in, and apologise, that imbalance matters. Effort does not need to be equal at all times, as life brings busy or difficult periods.
The concern arises when a clear pattern forms:
- You always start conversations or make plans.
- They respond mainly when they need something.
- Plans are cancelled last minute without consideration.
- Your wellbeing is rarely asked about unless it links back to them.
When you stop trying, the friendship fades into silence. That silence is revealing.
A friend who truly values you will reconnect, even if imperfectly. Someone who appears only when it suits them is showing where you stand.
2. You Feel Drained After Spending Time Together
Notice how your body and mind feel afterward. Do you feel uplifted or calm, or instead tense, guilty, or exhausted?
Emotional fatigue often stems from repeated patterns such as:
- Conversations revolving entirely around their problems.
- Requests for advice that are consistently ignored.
- Subtle criticism disguised as humour.
- Carefully rehearsing what to say to avoid upsetting them.
This constant alertness is tiring. While friendship can involve challenge, it should not require recovery time after every interaction.
3. Your Boundaries Are Dismissed
Boundaries are not punishments; they protect your time, energy, and emotional safety. In respectful friendships, boundaries are acknowledged and adjusted to.
When limits are repeatedly ignored, mocked, or guilted away, it signals that your comfort is secondary to their needs.
Ongoing boundary violations are not personality traits. They indicate a lack of respect.
4. You Feel Alone Even When Together
A particularly painful sign is emotional loneliness while in their presence. You may be physically together, yet feel unseen or unheard.
They might dominate conversations, stay focused on their phone, or show interest only when topics revolve around them. Over time, you may stop sharing anything meaningful.
If someone calls you their closest friend but you feel invisible beside them, the label no longer reflects reality.
5. Your Successes Are Minimized
A supportive friend acknowledges your progress, even during their own struggles. Celebration does not need to be grand, but it should feel sincere.
Subtle signs of resentment or dismissal include:
- Quickly changing the subject when you share good news.
- Downplaying your achievements.
- Mocking your ambitions.
- Immediately redirecting attention to their own accomplishments.
This behaviour can slowly silence your confidence, making you shrink your wins to keep the peace.
6. You Don’t Feel Appreciated
Not all friends express emotions easily, but you should still feel valued. In unhealthy dynamics, you may notice:
- A lack of gratitude when you make an effort.
- Jokes that sting rather than amuse.
- Your feelings being dismissed as overreactions.
- A harsher tone toward you than toward others.
Leaving interactions doubting your worth suggests the friendship is reinforcing insecurity rather than easing it.
What a Healthy Friendship Feels Like
Recognising unhealthy patterns is only part of the process. Many people remain stuck because they have never experienced a truly secure friendship.
In a healthier connection, you can:
- Say no without fearing abandonment.
- Acknowledge mistakes on both sides without blame cycles.
- Celebrate milestones without competition.
- Address conflict without insults or emotional pressure.
You may not leave every interaction feeling perfect, but you generally feel steadier and safe.
How to Respond When You See the Signs
Realising a friendship is harmful often brings guilt, nostalgia, and fear of loneliness. Many people question whether they are overreacting.
A grounded approach can help:
- Gradually reduce contact and observe how you feel.
- Write down how interactions affect you over time.
- Have one honest conversation if it feels emotionally safe.
- Watch actions in the weeks that follow, not just words.
Some friendships improve when both people take responsibility. Others reveal their limits when you stop overextending.
Letting go does not erase shared history. It simply acknowledges that the current version no longer supports who you are now.
Why Red Flags in Friendships Are Easy to Miss
There are strong psychological reasons people stay in draining friendships. Familiar dynamics, even unhealthy ones, c
Why We Judge Partners Closely but Excuse Friends
Many people closely evaluate romantic relationships while giving friendships a free pass, even though a toxic friendship can damage confidence, time, and mental health just as deeply. Therapists often suggest a simple check: after spending time together, do you feel lighter or heavier?
When a Friendship No Longer Feels Safe
Strong friendships usually offer comfort, humour, and emotional safety. You can share bad news without overthinking and celebrate good news without shrinking it to protect someone else’s feelings.
Over time, however, dynamics can change. Life transitions, jealousy, or emotional dependency may creep in. The friendship may look unchanged on the surface, but internally it feels strained.
A key warning sign is walking away from most interactions feeling smaller rather than supported.
Psychotherapists, including Bobbi Banks, advise looking at long-term patterns instead of isolated conflicts. Everyone has off days, but an unhealthy friendship is one where the low points dominate and the positive moments feel like temporary relief rather than the norm.
Six Signs a Friendship May Be Unhealthy
1. You Carry All the Effort
If a friendship exists only because you constantly initiate contact, plan meetups, check in, and apologise, that imbalance matters. Effort does not need to be equal at all times, as life brings busy or difficult periods.
The concern arises when a clear pattern forms:
A psychologist is adamant: “the best stage of a person’s life is when they start thinking this way”
- You always start conversations or make plans.
- They respond mainly when they need something.
- Plans are cancelled last minute without consideration.
- Your wellbeing is rarely asked about unless it links back to them.
When you stop trying, the friendship fades into silence. That silence is revealing.
A friend who truly values you will reconnect, even if imperfectly. Someone who appears only when it suits them is showing where you stand.
2. You Feel Drained After Spending Time Together
Notice how your body and mind feel afterward. Do you feel uplifted or calm, or instead tense, guilty, or exhausted?
Emotional fatigue often stems from repeated patterns such as:
- Conversations revolving entirely around their problems.
- Requests for advice that are consistently ignored.
- Subtle criticism disguised as humour.
- Carefully rehearsing what to say to avoid upsetting them.
This constant alertness is tiring. While friendship can involve challenge, it should not require recovery time after every interaction.
3. Your Boundaries Are Dismissed
Boundaries are not punishments; they protect your time, energy, and emotional safety. In respectful friendships, boundaries are acknowledged and adjusted to.
When limits are repeatedly ignored, mocked, or guilted away, it signals that your comfort is secondary to their needs.
Ongoing boundary violations are not personality traits. They indicate a lack of respect.
4. You Feel Alone Even When Together
A particularly painful sign is emotional loneliness while in their presence. You may be physically together, yet feel unseen or unheard.
They might dominate conversations, stay focused on their phone, or show interest only when topics revolve around them. Over time, you may stop sharing anything meaningful.
If someone calls you their closest friend but you feel invisible beside them, the label no longer reflects reality.
5. Your Successes Are Minimized
A supportive friend acknowledges your progress, even during their own struggles. Celebration does not need to be grand, but it should feel sincere.
Subtle signs of resentment or dismissal include:
- Quickly changing the subject when you share good news.
- Downplaying your achievements.
- Mocking your ambitions.
- Immediately redirecting attention to their own accomplishments.
This behaviour can slowly silence your confidence, making you shrink your wins to keep the peace.
6. You Don’t Feel Appreciated
Not all friends express emotions easily, but you should still feel valued. In unhealthy dynamics, you may notice:
- A lack of gratitude when you make an effort.
- Jokes that sting rather than amuse.
- Your feelings being dismissed as overreactions.
- A harsher tone toward you than toward others.
Leaving interactions doubting your worth suggests the friendship is reinforcing insecurity rather than easing it.
What a Healthy Friendship Feels Like
Recognising unhealthy patterns is only part of the process. Many people remain stuck because they have never experienced a truly secure friendship.
In a healthier connection, you can:
- Say no without fearing abandonment.
- Acknowledge mistakes on both sides without blame cycles.
- Celebrate milestones without competition.
- Address conflict without insults or emotional pressure.
You may not leave every interaction feeling perfect, but you generally feel steadier and safe.
How to Respond When You See the Signs
Realising a friendship is harmful often brings guilt, nostalgia, and fear of loneliness. Many people question whether they are overreacting.
A grounded approach can help:
- Gradually reduce contact and observe how you feel.
- Write down how interactions affect you over time.
- Have one honest conversation if it feels emotionally safe.
- Watch actions in the weeks that follow, not just words.
Some friendships improve when both people take responsibility. Others reveal their limits when you stop overextending.
Letting go does not erase shared history. It simply acknowledges that the current version no longer supports who you are now.
Why Red Flags in Friendships Are Easy to Miss
There are strong psychological reasons people stay in draining friendships. Familiar dynamics, even unhealthy ones, can feel safer than change.
If criticism or emotional neglect was normal early in life, a one-sided friendship may feel familiar. Social expectations also suggest friendships should last forever, especially those formed early on.
Yet, just as people outgrow roles, cities, or careers, they can outgrow relationships that limit their growth.
Simple Ways to Check a Friendship’s Health
Two mental exercises can offer clarity:
- The crisis test: Imagine facing a major loss. Is this the person you instinctively want to call, or do you hesitate?
- The success test: Picture achieving something deeply meaningful. Do you expect genuine joy from them, or feel the need to downplay it?
If both scenarios cause discomfort, the friendship may lack emotional safety.
Remaining in relationships that quietly undermine you can reshape what you believe you deserve. Stepping back, even briefly, can help reset that standard and open space for healthier connections.
an feel safer than change.
If criticism or emotional neglect was normal early in life, a one-sided friendship may feel familiar. Social expectations also suggest friendships should last forever, especially those formed early on.
Yet, just as people outgrow roles, cities, or careers, they can outgrow relationships that limit their growth.
Simple Ways to Check a Friendship’s Health
Two mental exercises can offer clarity:
- The crisis test: Imagine facing a major loss. Is this the person you instinctively want to call, or do you hesitate?
- The success test: Picture achieving something deeply meaningful. Do you expect genuine joy from them, or feel the need to downplay it?
If both scenarios cause discomfort, the friendship may lack emotional safety.
Remaining in relationships that quietly undermine you can reshape what you believe you deserve. Stepping back, even briefly, can help reset that standard and open space for healthier connections.
